Tides. ♥

Over time, people change. They mature, they become interested in other things, they fall in and out of love. I'm not a fucking life coach and I don't claim to have extensive experience in life itself, but I pick up on things that go around quite easily. At this current point in time, I see myself at the lowest point of my life so far. It might not seem too bad from the outside for the time being, but you have no idea what it feels like to be me. I thought my life had been a bit sucky for a while, considering my unusual amount of loss and whatnot. But these last few weeks, mainly today, have taught me that even when you think things are bad and you're having a hard time, you haven't seen shit yet.

 Only when somebody takes your heart and slices it into ten pieces will you understand what it's like. Seven months of constant effort, seven months of high hopes and sky-high dreams, seven months of pouring out my heart, and it all shatters and falls within two weeks. I wish I could write about something pleasant like a new album, or a great movie that came out on the weekend, but I can't. It may sound emo and all, but I'm not quite sure if I'll ever be comfortable with giving myself to anyone ever again. I tried so hard to make it work, I really did. But it was all dismissed because of a selfish fucking attitude and no fucking regard for how I felt.

Although in saying this, I do believe it was my fault. I'm not going on an emo rant about how much of a horrible boyfriend I am, but let me just say that if it were anyone else in the relationship in my place, it would have worked out. I am the most fucking stubborn, useless, stupid, irritating fucking loser on this godforsaken planet. I don't want any 'ngaw' moments, because that's not what I'm looking for. These are things that are true. I am so far up my own fucking ass that I can manage to make something that is fine a total fucking disasterpiece in minutes.

 I wish I could turn back time and go to a happier place. Maybe when I was 7. I wouldn't have to give a shit about how heartbroken and alone I feel. I wouldn't have to try so hard to succeed. I wouldn't have to spend so much time thinking and worrying what's going to happen if I say something to somebody. I would have people there for me who genuinely cared for me and not just some temporary fling that they would discard and move on from within a week. I would have a real smile on my face for once.

Honesty is something that people tend to lack. You can't seem to be able to trust anybody anymore because most of the time if you do, they end up stabbing you in the back. Eventually people get tired of being fucked over so many times and learn to not give a shit about what anyone says or thinks. Fortunately enough for me, that time is now. I can tell you all my secrets and not care at all. Tell everyone you like, I couldn't care less. When I cry, my hands start to shake badly. My hands always shake a little bit. I hope it isn't Parkinsons. This isn't much of a secret, but as most of you know my dad died when I was 9. What the real secret is, during the daytime the entire family was at home sleeping because we had been awake at the hospital all night. I couldn't sleep, and I knew what was going on with my dad. I sat in my bed and prayed for 2 hours straight. Begging to god to keep my dad alive. I kept crying and shaking because I was so worried and I didn't know what to do. He died several hours after. He was 27.

 I lost all faith in god when I was 9. He did nothing for me, even when I was begging. A couple of years later, I got over it. I thought it was fucking stupid to expect all my prayers to come true, even if it was significant. But when I was 12, my grandpa died from an aneurysm. It's basically a sudden death. My family was struck hard because he had just finished his final chemotherapy treatment for cancer. He was slowly getting better, and then this happened. He was 61.

I lost complete and utter faith in god from that point on. You may be asking 'why do you have the right or power to give god chances?'. I'm not self-righteous. It's common fucking sense, buddy. None of my family had done anything horrible or even bad. None of us deserved it. But the almighty god can wipe away whoever he wants with his relentless strength and not have to answer to anyone? He obviously has no idea what love is.

If those aren't enough secrets for you, here's one more: I'm bisexual.
Got a problem with it? Suck me, I would fucking enjoy it.

Until people start to learn to treat each other with respect and actually take a second to give a damn about how the other person feels, this world is going fucking nowhere. We'll all just carry on killing each other and bombing each others countries because they're is different and we can't be bothered to try and understand from their side. The saying 'can't we all just get along' sometimes makes me think. Why the fuck can't we? I've never backstabbed or talked shit about someone unless they've had the nerve to do the same to me first. I find it pointless and attention-seeking to try and start something without a proper reason apart from wanting to have fun.

Take the time to try understand and comprehend what I said. Without these things happening, nobody will ever be happy. And for the record, I haven't cried this much in one night since my dad died. I've never felt so alone.

Love,
Koray. ♥